Garterbelt: Daten City: a town filled with ladies of all shapes and sizes. However, if they had their druthers, they’d all be the same size: skinny. Throughout the ages, mankind has created diets to further this cause. And by mankind, I mean other women. The closer they can get to resembling stage four cancer patients, the better.
(Cut to a close-up of Stocking eating a cake.)
Stocking: Yummy! I want to make dessert babies with you! You were so worth the two hour wait, my dear Swiss roll! I would rub you all over my body if it weren’t for the yeast. I swear I would!
(Chuck comes in and jumps towards the cake, only to have Stocking kick him repeatedly, sending him flying into a trash can.)
Stocking: Tut, tut, my darling rat dog! Try to steal my sweets again and I’ll be having Chuck-sack pie.
(Elevator dings and opens with Panty inside.)
Panty: (Singing) My legs are wide with the stride of the tide, stay on your back while I slip on my pack and bounce after I pee!
(Panty gags and stops abruptly.)
Panty: Ugh! Why does it smell like a gummy bear sharted in here? What’s happening? What are you eating and why does it smell like jelly bean spunk?
Stocking: Don’t be jealous.
Panty: Oh yeah, 'cause I want a mouthful of sugar skeet!
Stocking: Put down the hater-ade! I understand it’s hard for you to accept that your vice gives you warts, but that is not my fault.
Panty: Let’s talk about what is your fault: you’re gonna end up with titties growing on your back if you can’t stop blowing the pastry cart.
Stocking: We’ve discussed this already! I don’t get fat; I gave all that up ages ago! I’m too busy being super flawless! I know that must be hard to hear for someone who blows up like a microwave marshmallow if she even looks at a lollipop. And you have been doing some looking lately, haven’t you?
(Panty's face cracks.)
Panty: I’m gonna laugh my ass off when you have to use a forklift to get out of bed! But at least you’ll have your new FUPA friend.
(Stocking stabs Chuck's tongue with a fork, kicking him into the trash can again. Cut to Stocking reading a magazine in her bathtub.)
Stocking: Oh yeah, that’s so good! Belgian chocolate cake with chocolate fondant at Angel House Bakery? Talk dirty to me, sweet angel of Saccharine! Hey, that looks like it might actually be close by!
(Stocking examines and squeezes her new-found muffin tops.)
Stocking: ...What the fuck? I just let that asshole make me paranoid. Right?
(Stocking checks her scale, is then shocked by her weight gain.)
Stocking: I’m a fatty…?
(Stocking runs a la Rocky, with Panty asleep and snoring on her bed. Stocking then sneaks back in to check her weight, more shocked than before by the extra weight gain.)
Stocking: I hate this moment! Bad!
(Cut to a close-up of Stocking's waist, which has a vibrating device, Panty enters the room with boxes of sweets.)
Panty: I’m back from rockin’ out with my cock out! Get this shit, some dude just came up to me and thrust his package in my face!
Stocking turns off her weight loss device
Panty: I almost puked on him because it looked like a bunch of sweet treats, but I took it just in case it was full of some sweet meats, if you know what I’m sayin’.
Stocking: Uh huh. Cool!
Panty: Ugh, I knew it! It’s sweet shit! Sorry, those pedophile moves don’t work on me anymore! Stocking, how do you do it? I can actually feel my ass dimpling! Uh, chica? Did you hear me? What the fuck’s a fondant anyway? It looks like plastic! You take ‘em. They’re from Angel House, that place everyone’s getting their nipples hard over.
Stocking: No thank you! I have no interest in things of that nature!
(Camera stays on Stocking's face during Panty's next line.)
Panty: Seriously? Your call! Looks like Chuck’s getting the runs tonight! Chuck! You’re up. Want some cellulite? Ready? Hold this on your nose! Hold still, dammit! Good boy! Okay, catch! Catch! Do the thing with the catching! You’re so fucking useless! Drool! Good boy.
(Stocking rips her magazine and screams)
(Chuck proceeds to eat the cake meant for Stocking, in slow motion. Stocking then watches in horror as Chuck finishes the cake.)
Panty: Oopsie! Did you decide you wanted some?
Stocking: Did you decide you wanted to shut the fuck up?
Panty: Oh, Stocking?
Stocking: Yes, whore?
Panty: Are you on a diet? You can tell me!
(Stocking screams, with a sketch close-up on her shocked face.)
Stocking: (Sheepishly) Of course not! Why would you say that? I’m naturally petite and thin! I’m the reason tweens make themselves hurl!
(Panty flips Stocking's shirt up, revealing the vibrating device from earlier, which Stocking tries to hide. This repeats, slowly getting faster and faster.)
Panty: Uh oh! Peek-a-boo! I saw it! There it is! There it is again. Hello! Still there. Fatty! Fatass! One more hit! Fatty! Fattyfattyfattyfattyfatty-
(Stocking suddenly starts laughing, then starts twirling towards Chuck.)
Stocking: Chuck! Come here!
(Stocking twirls into the elevator, and then proceeds to punch Chuck repeatedly.)
Stocking: Spit it out right now or I’ll gag you with a toothbrush and eat the chunks left over from every donut hole you’ve stolen from me in the past forty-eight hours!
Stocking: TRY AGAIN!
Stocking squishes Chuck with one more punch.)
Stocking: Whatever! It’s three pounds. I’m totally over it! Shit, I’ll be my skinny self again by tomorrow! Easy as Panty in a frat house.
(Montage of Stocking working out, cut to Panty at a bakery.)
Panty: Move it, assholes!
Random woman: Watch your foot!
(Panty finds Stocking at a eerie steam room. A near-skeletal Stocking drops a plate of Swiss rolls Panty attempts to offer her. Stocking checks the scale one more time, and her obese body is then revealed.)
Stocking: ...It’s happened.
(Stocking snaps and screams.)
Stocking: It’s not okay, dammit! How in every holy religious deity did this happen?! Am I being punished for eating sweet shit?!
(Stocking furiously pounds on the table before gorging on Swiss rolls.)
Panty: Intervention time! You can’t start a bulimia club in our living room. It smells!
(Stocking faces Panty with a face full of Swiss rolls.)
Panty: Okay, it’s cool! Just don’t throw up on me!
(Stocking screams into the dusk. Cut to her sleeping in bed. Stocking suddenly balloons up, with her expanding body throwing Panty outside.)
Panty: You ruined my sex dream!
(Panty is clearly shocked at Stocking's transformation.)
Panty: Fucking shit, girl! What happened? You’re like trashy talk show fat!
(From here until she shrinks back to normal, Stocking talks in a deeper voice than usual, and is referred to as Fat!Stocking.)
Fat!Stocking: Huh? What are you talking about? I always have a bridge around my waist. Don’t be an asshole.
Panty: I don’t really want to do this, but I said I would.
(Panty starts cracking up.)
Panty: We’re gonna have to use a forklift to get you out of there! Oh my God! My ass!
Fat!Stocking: When I do get out of here, you’re gonna be the meat in my breakfast taco.
Panty and Chuck continue to laugh, while Chuck gets struck by lightning and subsequently gets hammered by Garterbelt. A mandate pops out of Chuck.
Garterbelt: Angels, we have a mandate!
Panty: She looks like a giant balloon with a hat on!
(Garterbelt takes out his board, which sends Panty flying.)
Garterbelt: This is called a bovine beauty!
Panty: That was my face, you twat!
Garterbelt: Women all over Daten City are becoming small continents of cottage cheese, fleshy mountains of booty bumps. Roll by roll, they are swelling up to the size of houses 'cause of this!
(The board displays an image of a familiar-looking Swiss Roll.)
Panty: That’s what Stocking ate when she went all after-school special last night!
Garterbelt: It’s made from some fatty bacteria nonsense that multiplies a person’s body fat by at least ten! I don’t think I need to mention what you’re seeing here can only be the work of a Ghost, but I’m gonna. Angels, what you’re seeing here can only be the work of a Ghost!
Panty: Oh! So they’re the ones that turned Stocking into a glazed holiday ham? You hear that?
Fat!Stocking: Get me down! I’m gonna eat that Ghost’s honey glazed nut sack!
(The tower collapses, with Fat!Stocking crashing into the ground.)
Panty: Look, you’re King Kong and I get to be the hot chick!
(Panty heads towards the factory rolling Fat!Stocking like a ball, flattening cars on the way while singing. Cut to the factory, where cakes are being glazed by Hell Pound, the diet Ghost.)
Hell Pound: (Laughing) Excellent work, my creamy little corpulent cream puffs! Turn those string-bean beauties into portly princesses of pudginess! Show them that diets are for dillweeds! Deprivation is deviled and fat is fan-fructose-tabulous! Throw away all your fears of bulls and embrace enormity! Celebrate the new you for now that there’s more of you to love!
Panty: That’s fucking endearing. ‘Cept you only want to fatten up the hot chicks so you don’t have to feel like such a lardass!
Hell Pound: Who the fuck are you?
Panty: Someone who refuses to let you control her with your sugar shooters. I’m shuttin’ down your fat factory, lady!
(Panty giggles at the sight of Fat!Stocking behind her.)
Hell Pound: Oh! How dare you! This is not just a factory, this is a haven where fat can finally feel free to be whatever it wants to be! Ya got that?!
(Hell Pound grows several more "sugar shooters" and arms, now pointing them at Panty.)
Hell Pound: Open wide, Sluttella! You’re about to get a faceful of Momma’s special sauce!
(Hell Pound opens fire on Panty, with a close-up of the fatty bacteria.)
Panty: What is she doing? No! I can’t swallow that load! It’s too much!
(Panty opens her eyes and sees Fat!Stocking somehow inside the factory, consuming Hell Pound's -ahem- load.)
Hell Pound: Oh, yeah! Take it all! Suck down every drop of my sweet, sticky, sugary spooge! You like it, don’tcha?
Panty: Ugh. Shit. Way to take one for the team, girl.
(Cut to transformation scene, but with Panty watching Fat!Stocking.)
Fat!Stocking: Pitiful shadow lost in the darkness, evil spirit drifting between Heaven and Earth, may the thunderous power from the garments of these holy, delicate maidens strike down upon you, shattering your loathsome impurity and returning you from whence you came! Repent, motherfucker!
(Fat!Stocking tries to kill Hell Pound with her sword, but to no avail as it goes limp upon hitting her.)
Fat!Stocking: (Looking at her oversized stockings) Whoops! This must have shrunk in the wash.
(Panty faceplants. Cut to outside the factory, as Hell Pound departs.)
Hell Pound: You people aren’t ready for the fatty revolution! And besides, Momma’s got shit to do.
Panty: Not yet! You think you can bake those cakes and not eat ‘em too? (Aiming her gun on Hell Pound's stomach) Choke on this, Pippy Longtitties!
(Panty shoots Hell Pound repeatedly...)
Hell Pound: Corn-nuts.
(...as she is blasted to bits. Panty picks up the four Heaven Coins Hell Pound drops.)
Panty: One for each neck roll. What was she, the ghost ambassador for fatties that think they should get to be loved for who they are in the inside?
Fat!Stocking: Or the fate of fatass bitches like you.
(Stocking deflates back to her original size.)
Panty: Oh! You’re back to being hot.
Stocking checks her body, then giggles in content. Cut to the living room.)
Panty: You better not get all fat again. Otherwise you’ll have to get way good at blowjobs.
Stocking: Oh, please. I don’t mind some junk in the trunk if I can eat what I want. Going without sweets is like going without sex. Not that you would have any idea what that’s all about. Don’t even think about it, Chuck~!
(Stocking kicks Chuck to the trash can one last time, as she eats a piece of cake.)
(Stocking winks, end of episode.)